


A Daydream Away (I Wouldn't Know What to Say if I Had You)

by SeptemberEndings



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, what SEEMS like unrequited love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-31
Updated: 2015-03-31
Packaged: 2018-03-20 13:00:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3651237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeptemberEndings/pseuds/SeptemberEndings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The problem with falling in love, Luke thinks, is that you never really stop falling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Daydream Away (I Wouldn't Know What to Say if I Had You)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is definitely not the best thing I've ever written. Honestly, it's a lot like my other Malum one, and I don't actually think this should be posted, but, y'know, YOLO. Yes, I did just cite a 2012 meme as my reason for going forward with this. Yes, I'm ashamed in myself too.

Luke remembers the day that he realized he was slowly falling in love with Michael Clifford.

It was one of those days where it wasn't really  _raining,_  but it was cold and damp and so he and Michael and Calum just piled on the blankets and ditched school to play video games at Michael's house because his parents were out of town for something boring.

And Michael and Calum are busy with a some kind of shooter's game, and Luke isn't interested in playing so he's leaning his head on Michael's shoulder and his legs are thrown over Michael's and Calum's laps when Michael wins. He screeches in victory, throwing down his controller and jeering at Calum , both middle fingers raised, and Luke just rolls his eyes and thinks that Michael's an absolute idiot.

And then Michael leans down and presses a butterfly-light kiss on Luke's head, so happy he doesn't even realize what he's doing, and Luke just goes 'oh'.

It was probably the stupidest way to realize it, but that one little action just sets everything into perspective and Luke knows that, hey, he's just a little bit in love with one of his best friends.

And yes, it is scary but it's just too sleepy outside for him to really be scared, so he just closes his eyes and falls asleep right on Michael while Michael's still in the midst of cussing Calum out happily.

 

***

The problem with falling in love, Luke thinks, is that you never  _really_ stop falling.

Because you fall in love and you keep falling until you fall out of love, but there's no transitional period, no part where you just love them and just leave it there. No, Luke's still falling a year later and it's really just stupid because Michael Clifford isn't really that amazing at all. He's got horrible morning breath and messy, knotted hair like all of the time not to mention the fact that Michael randomly decided to hate Luke for about three years straight when Luke hadn't done anything, but Luke's hopelessly, annoyingly in love and he's falling and falling and falling and it's never going to  _end._

Every time Luke sees Michael giggle or smile or even fucking  _insult_ him, Luke just feels himself sinking deeper, and it feels horrible and amazing at the same time because  _it's Michael_ and  _oh holy fucking shit, it's_ Michael. And Luke knows that there's nowhere for this to go but badly and his heart is kind of cracking and crying, but Luke knows there's no way out for him in this.

So, Luke does the next best thing. He hangs out with Ashton more and more.

He knows that Ashton doesn't mind in the least, but Luke also knows that Ashton is at the very least confused why Luke isn't spending time with Michael anymore and Luke doesn't really want to say that it's because whenever he's around Michael his chest gets so tight it hurts. Luke really doesn't want to explain that he's in love and if anyone wants the band to stay a band he has to keep quiet and keep falling. Luke really doesn't want to explain that he feels both horrible and unapologetic for falling for Michael Gordon Clifford.

Luke just really doesn't want to talk about it, which is why Luke just turns around and tries to leave when Ashton brings it up with him.

Calum and Michael are out somewhere, and Luke's hanging out with Ashton in his living room scrolling mindlessly on his phone when Ashton just looks up and lazily asks, "Hey, are you in love with Mikey?"

Luke's halfway out of the room mumbling something about a walk when Ashton stalls him, saying, "Y'know, it's okay if you are. I'm in love with Calum."

_Oh. Okay._

A small part of Luke is kind of angry that Ashton's using Luke to avoid Calum, but, wait, Luke's doing the same thing. So Luke just turns around and raises his eyebrows at Ashton and Ashton nods and Luke just nods back and sits down, scrolling through his phone again, and a small part of him feels like it's been released, like he's suddenly twelve pounds lighter.

Ashton looks over at Luke. "It's hard, isn't it?" Ashton says, so quietly Luke nearly can't catch it in the air.

Luke smiles and it's a little more frustrated than he means it to be. "Of course it is," he says, matching Ashton's volume. "And it's so goddamned easy too, and I think that's what makes it hard."

Ashton laughs, but it's empty _._ "We're a right pair of idiots," Ashton remarks, and Luke couldn't agree more.

***

And then One Direction happens, and there are crowds and sold-out stadiums and tour buses and bunks that Luke tries to sleep in at night even though he can hear the engine humming, can hear all the cars zoom by and distant beeping horns.

And, like. Of  _course_ Luke is fucking over the moon with all of this because that's all the band had ever wanted, but at the same time, it's just a little overwhelming (a  _lot_ ), and some days Luke just feels like burying his head into his bunk and not moving for about a thousand years.

Today is one of those days.

He's managed pretty well, so far--he'd told the guys he felt sick and was busy listening to music at the max volume and reading a book when Michael walks into the bunk area and just sits on top of Luke's stomach, causing a loud  _'aachhh'_ from Luke.

As soon as he can recover, Luke pops out an ear bud and gives Michael the dirtiest look he can. "What the hell was  _that_ for?" Luke asks, trying his best to look angry and not like he's melting into a puddle staring into Michael's incessantly twinkling eyes.

Michael shrugs. "Bored."

"So you decided to sit on me."

"Yup! Move over, Hemmings."

Under the guise of still being angry, Luke shifts closer to the wall, leaving as much room as he can for Michael, but they're really only meant for one person so they end up curled up next to each other on their sides, Michael's arm carelessly thrown over Luke's abdomen. Luke is facing the wall, which is good since the blush on Luke's cheeks is brighter than a fucking neon sign.

Luke hands Michael an ear bud to Michael, who hums his thanks and accepts it, and Luke returns to his book, trying  _really_ hard not to think about Michael being in such close proximity, because they cuddle all the time. It's a natural occurrence. (Luke still freaks out internally whenever it happens. He's working on it.)

After about three songs pass, Luke can feel Michael tap Luke's shoulder. Luke lets out a small breath and dog-ears the page he was on, and then twists to face Michael.

They're literally nose-to-nose, and Luke can smell Michael's breath (cinnamon and lemon, which was surprising seeing as he's always eating pizza).

Michael sighs. And then sighs again. "Lukey," Michael says quietly, "I can trust you, right?"

Luke frowns because, okay, he wasn't really expecting that. "Of course you can, Mike. What's wrong?" 

Michael chews on his bottom lip, which worries Luke. Michael only does that when he's actually, properly nervous. "I think...I think I'm bisexual," Michael says, and it's so soft that Luke has to strain to hear him over the sound of the bus engine.

Luke nods and he's pretty sure that his heart his bruising his chest from how hard it's beating, but he hopes that Michael won't notice. "Okay," Luke says.

Michael's eyebrows pull together. "What...? That's it?" Michael asks. He sounds confused.

Luke shrugs. "What do you want me to say?" 

"I don't know, that's good, but. Like. I thought that, you know, it would be a little different, that's all," Michael says, and that kind of makes Luke think.

Because really, Luke probably should be more scared than he is. He's in love with Michael Clifford. He has been for about two years now, and not once did he stop to think about what it means. And it probably should cause him more problems than it actually does. Because Luke  _is_ straight, always has been, but it's just the same as the fact that Luke  _is_ in love with Michael. Luke wonders if it's just him, if Luke just knows that Michael has always been who he's been leaning toward, that Michael is what Luke has always needed. And Luke's just fine with that. He sees no problem with it. _  
_

So Luke just shrugs again, and Michael leans in. He fucking leans in and kisses Luke.

It's friendly. Obviously it's friendly, Luke can feel it and he knows that's what the kiss is for, but Michael's lips are soft and sweet-tasting and Luke revels in it for the short second the peck lasts, and when Michael breaks the kiss he has a little smile on his face. Luke smiles back and touches his lips to the tip of Michael's nose, and Michael lets out a low chuckle before snuggling in to Luke. "Love you, Lukey," Michael whispers into Luke's chest.

Luke isn't sure if he's ever going to stop smiling. "Love you too, Mikey," Luke says back, and if Michael can sense the weight those words really carry, he doesn't let on.

***

They're somewhere in Texas (Luke thinks Dallas, but he can't be sure) when the lines really start to blur.

Luke and Michael are rooming together and Luke had insisted that they turn off the lights around midnight because they had to get up at seven a.m. tomorrow for a shit ton of interviews and who-knows-what-else, but it's been what feels like two hours and Luke's just laying in bed cursing every entity he can think of because as hard as he tries he can't fucking fall asleep.

Luke's made his way to cussing out the Greek Gods when he hears Michael's small voice call out, "Luke? You still awake?"

Luke hesitates. "Michael? What are you doing up?" 

He hears Michael shifting in the dark, and hears Michael kind of laugh. "I could ask you the same question," Michael points out.

Luke rolls his eyes, not that Michael could see. "I can't sleep. Brain won't shut off," Luke says. "Been just awake, annoyed at the world."

"Ah. Me too."

Silence falls then, although Luke can still hear Michael shifting around in the dark, can hear Michael's bed sheets crinkle as he tries and fails to find a comfortable spot.

"Um, Michael?"

"Yeah?" Michael's still shifting around, and Luke can now hear annoyance laced into Michael's voice.

"D'you...I mean...if you want..." Luke kind of feels foolish now, but he trudges on, "you can cuddle with me, if you'd like. If that would help you."

Michael's quiet, because as much as they cuddle, they've never actually actively spooned with the intention of falling asleep. It was always deemed 'too relationship-y' without being actually voiced, and Luke had just kind of broken an unwritten rule. Luke's about to take it back, pass it off as some kind of awful joke, when he hears Michael's small voice go, "Yeah, okay," and he hears Michael get out of bed, padding over to Luke's bed.

Warm arms envelop Luke and Luke moves toward them instinctively, tugging the blanket up on the both of them. Michael's warm and soft around the edges from sleep and he feels a hand lazily card through Luke's tousled hair, and the feeling of  _home_ that he has is so ridiculous he almost wants to laugh at himself, but he doesn't. Instead, he finds Michael's hand and grabs it, entwining their fingers together, because if they're going to break the rules, they might as well do it all the way. Luke's actually comfortable now, and it's funny because he'd never realized how big and cold his bed was until Michael had come in with him.

"Thanks," he feels Michael breathe onto the top of Luke's head. "This is much better."

Luke nods. "I love you," he says, and it's so easy and fluid here in the darkness he can't regret it.

Luke can hear the sleepiness in Michael's voice as Michael replies, "I love you too, Lukey."

Michael's asleep within two seconds, and can't feel Luke's heart speed up at the dead serious words.  _He meant as a friend, Luke. Calm the fuck down._

(In the morning, when Luke wakes up, Michael's half on top of him like a dead weight, drool drying on his chin. And sure, it's not the most romantic way to wake up, but damn Luke loves this boy.

The next night, Michael insists on rooming with Luke, and doesn't even bother using the other bed. Luke pretends that he's not reading into it at all.)

***

About two months after that night, Luke walks in on Ashton and Calum making out.

Luke was just minding his own business and trying to find a capo for his guitar when Luke enters the kitchen and Ashton and Calum are literally all over each other on the counter-top and Luke makes a mental note never to prepare food on that particular surface again.

"Is anyone in this band straight?" Luke wonders, loud enough to break the  _very_ not-innocent kiss. Ashton grins, not even apologetic. Calum laughs and disentangles himself from Ashton, hopping down off the counter.

"Apparently not!" Ashton says cheerfully, pushing himself off too and wrapping his arms around Calum. "Which is really great for me, now."

Luke rolls his eyes, halfway happy for the two of them and halfway jealous because dammit, Ashton got his happy ending and all Luke had was an overly cuddly best friend who Luke had a minute chance with. And now Calum's looking over at Ashton like he's the best thing that's ever happened to him and Luke's about to excuse himself when Calum says, "So, when are you planning on telling Michael?"

It's soft and sincere, because everything Calum  _does_ is soft and sincere, but Luke still stops breathing and squeaks out, "What?"

"Yeah, tell Michael what?"

Of course Michael fucking chooses to enter at that _exact_ moment. Luke's entire life was a cliche movie. Luke whirls around and yup, Michael's there, with his stupid dyed-white hair and over-sized sweater with his stupid sweater paws, and Luke thinks  _fuck._

"Tell Michael what?" Michael repeats slowly, and his eyes are widening and he's staring right at Luke with this weird intensity that makes him squirm a little.

"Um--tell you that Ashton and Calum are fucking," Luke says quickly, trying to take the analyzing gaze away from his face, which _thank god_ it does. Michael's now staring at Ashton and Calum, and at Ashton's arm wrapped tightly around Calum's waist. Michael smiles, even laughs a little.

"Totally called it. I should've made a betting pool with Luke," Michael says cheerfully, sidestepping all three of them in an attempt to reach the refrigerator. 

"You would've lost," Luke responds just as cheerfully, and his heart has slowed down a little because damn that was  _close._

"Wait, why'd you have to tell me instead of these two idiots?" Michael asks suddenly, and Luke's heart is going twice the speed at a weird staccato rhythm and he looks over at the two fucking lovebirds for help but they just shrug, like,  _you need to tell him._

Luke decides that it's high time to quit the band.

"Probably because Ash and Cal would be too busy with their gay love," Luke tries, and thank god Michael buys it.

Michael laughs, but it's weird and stained by something. And when Luke goes to leave the room, he can almost swear that he sees Michael's eyes following him, something thick and unbreakable emanating off of Michael.

Luke brushes it off, because he's probably just over-analyzing things (as always).

***

"Do you ever feel alone?"

Luke probably would feel concerned for Michael if it wasn't 3 fucking a.m. and Luke was so tired he actually couldn't fall asleep. He's really just tempted to pretend to be asleep and leave Michael to his sad and depressing thoughts, but instead Luke shifts over so he's facing Michael in the dark room, thinking that Michael was really fucking lucky that Luke was so in love with Michael that he could probably drown.

"Mikey? You okay?" Luke asks, brushing his nose against Michael's shoulder. It should be weirder than it really is, and Luke should probably be over-analyzing it, but he's just so fucking tired.

Michael sucks in a deep breath, and Luke buries his face deeper into Michael's shoulder, marveling in the smell of Michael's skin--sweat and oak and the barest hint of vanilla, which really shouldn't go together but worked perfectly. Luke smiles into Michael involuntarily.

The cuddling had become a nightly occurrence, and not just on tour. Luke didn't ask about it, Michael never offered any explanation, but every night one of them just ended up in the other's bed. It was a lot more innocent than it probably should be, a lot more innocent than it certainly seemed, but really Luke didn't mind at all. He just loved to wake up in the arms of Michael, and he loved going to sleep with Michael's soft snores ringing in his ears. That probably made him really pathetic, but at this point Luke really couldn't care less as long as he had Michael.

Michael presses his face into Luke's hair, mumbling his next words so lowly the silence nearly covers it. "Cal and Ash...they're so happy. I wanna have something like that."

Luke's breath quickens the slightest bit, and he has to stop himself from blurting out,  _You can! With me, you idiot!_ _  
_

Instead, Luke says, very, _very_ calmly, "Yeah, me too. It's just kinda hard, with all the traveling and stuff."

Michael nods and presses himself closer to Luke until the edges of their bodies are blurred. "Yeah, but also--" and just like that, Michael cuts himself off. "Yeah, you're right."

Luke hesitates. And then hesitates again. He isn't sure what he wants to ask and isn't sure he wants to ask it. He bites his lip, and then lets it out like a whisper into the darkness: "How did you know you were bisexual?"

He can feel Michael pull away from him, trying to get a better look at him all of this darkness. Luke just presses closer, wanting the warmth, not wanting to ruin the moment because it was meant to sound like an innocent question. "Why?" Michael asks, sounding awfully on-guard.

Luke swallows. He thinks his throat's dry, but he can't actually tell because he's so nervous all of a sudden.  _Breathe. Breathe._

"It's just...I've got this...I think I'm in love with a boy," Luke blurts out and wow, that was a great way to put it. Luke's fully awake now and planning to bash his head into a wall.

Michael breathes in sharply. "Oh," Michael says. "Okay."

"But, like, I've never really been interested in another boy. It's just this one, otherwise I'm attracted to girls. So...yeah," Luke finishes, trying really hard to sound nonchalant.

Michael's quiet. For a long time, and Luke starts counting just for something to do, just to not freak the fuck out. He's up to 51 when Michael says, really softly, "Shit."

"Right. That's a great response," Luke says.

"No, sorry, I meant--well, I don't know. It's 3 a.m. and my best friend who I thought was the straightest in the band has gay feelings. It's too late, or early, for this," Michael says, fast and gruff and the tiniest bit hurt for some weird reason. Luke would probably care about the last part, but he's too pissed off to at this point.

"What? What does that  _mean_ , Michael? You're bi, and you're judging me for liking a guy? That's a little hypocritical," Luke points out.

"No--I mean--it's just--caught me by surprise," Michael tries out.

"Yeah, okay. Goodnight, Mikey," Luke says, rolling over, away from his asshole crush.

"Wait, Luke--"

"Can't hear you. Too busy sleeping," Luke mumbles, even if he doesn't feel much like sleeping now. He just kind of wants to cry in peace now.

He hears Michael sigh and mutter something about Luke being overly sensitive, and then he's quiet too. Luke sighs, because that  _really_ did not go as planned. If it even was planned. Luke was such an idiot.

(Luke eventually does get to sleep, and the next time he blinks back awake it's around six a.m., and Michael is coming back from the bathroom, trying to be as quiet as possible. He feels Michael climb into bed and pretends to be asleep, so he isn't exactly expecting Michael to reach over and grab Luke, cradling the taller boy in his arms. Michael presses a soft kiss to Luke's temple and Luke hears Michael whisper so, so softly, "Sorry, Lukey," before he drifts off to sleep.

If, in the morning, Luke decides to miraculously forgive his idiot friend, it has nothing to do with that. Not. At. All.)

***

It's two weeks later when Michael kisses him.

It's not the first time, obviously, but nonetheless it takes Luke by surprise, because it's really not normal for two friends to just randomly kiss.

Luke's hanging out with Ashton because Calum's off somewhere obsessing about football, and they're just kind of lazing around when Michael marches in, takes Luke's hand, and marches out of the room, Luke in tow.

Luke just has enough time to turn around, see Ashton making kiss-y faces at him, and flip Ashton off.

"Michael? What are you  _doing_?" Luke asks as soon as Michael lets go of Luke's hand. They're standing outside and Michael's acoustic guitar is propped up against the house. Michael picks up the guitar, smiles at Luke, and sits down, right on the grass. He pats the space next to him, and Luke, somewhat resignedly, throws himself on the ground next to him, leaning his back against the wall. "This better be good, I was pretty damn comfortable."

Michael gives him a look that clearly says " _Excuse me, everything I_ do  _is good_ ". Luke resists the urge to kiss that look right off his face. 

"So, I kinda wrote this song and I figured you'd be the least likely to punch me in the face if it was bad, so I figured I'd show it to you before the others?" Michael says, making it sound adorably like a question. Luke smiles encouragingly at that, nodding for Michael to start singing.

It's obviously meant to be an upbeat song, but with the sound of the acoustic guitar and the sun twinkling at them and the grass beneath them, Michael takes it slowly and peacefully, so the song sounds sweet and sleepy. It actually is a pretty good song, and Luke's about to cut in and tell Michael when Michael looks up at Luke with this  _expression_ as he sings the next few lines.

  
_So kiss me kiss me kiss me_   
_And tell me that I'll see you again_   
_'Cause I don't know if I can let you go_   


  
_So kiss me kiss me kiss me_   
_I'm dying just to see you again_   
_Let's make tonight the best of our lives_   


 

Their eyes remain locked, and all of a sudden Michael just stops and they both surge forward and then they're kissing and kissing and kissing and Luke never wants to stop. Michael's lips are big and soft as hell for a man and Luke feels like firecrackers are going off in the pit of his stomach and Michael's gentle and tastes like goddamn rainwater or something equally as fresh and wonderful. They both break the kiss at the same time, and lean their foreheads together. Luke's eyes remain closed, worried that if he opens them the entire spell would be broken.

 

Michael eventually breaks the soft silence between them. "So...it was good then?"

 

Luke laughs. "Yeah, yeah it was."

 

***

 

Okay, so Luke would  _like_ to say that they're together now, but he isn't really all that sure.

 

It's all unspoken between them. They sleep together in the same bed and they're kissing now, but it all just really feels like  _them,_ like they're still best friends.

 

Michael kisses him good morning and good night, kisses him hello and goodbye, but it's always private, always almost painfully innocent. There are I love yous and What Would You Do Without Mes, but there's no actual relationship, no real  _I'm so glad your my boyfriend I'll love you forever._  


 

And really, Luke is fine with that. But.

 

Michael's just always been something so unreachable and heavy in Luke's heart, and he's so close but there's still this crack between them that Luke's scared he'll fall through. Because if he voices it, explains that yes, he actually does have romantic feelings for Michael, everything could just go so, so wrong and there's nothing Luke couldn't handle more than that.

 

He never thought it was possible to stay in love with someone for so long.

 

But he's still going, falling down the endless pit and there's nothing Luke would love more than to land, so that it could all feel platonic, so that he could stop the ache in his heart every time Michael touches him. Luke just wants everything to just  _stop_ and rewind to that damp day with the video games so he can just stop it and never realize exactly what he's doing.

 

If Luke really thinks about it hard, whenever Michael's in his arms and he's too sleepy to stop himself, Luke knows that he could have been in love with Michael from the moment they met eyes and Michael sneered at him. Michael's candy-apple eyes, Michael's fluffy, crazy hair, Michael's  _everything._ Luke wanted to hate him because that would just make everything a lot easier than the web he's tangled in now.

 

And then the Web miraculously untangles.

 

They've just played a show, and everyone is so sweaty and burnt out from all of their happiness, and Luke's just laying there in Michael's lap while Michael cards his hands through Luke's now-stringy hair.

 

Luke sighs and leans into the touch and Michael leans in too and they're too close now, close enough for Luke to see all the flecks in Michael's green irises and close enough for Michael to see all the sweat and grime on Luke's face in high-definition. A distant part of Luke thinks that he should probably take a shower or something, but he's just so  _comfortable._  


 

Calum walks in and asks something to Michael, but Luke honestly doesn't hear it and Michael waves him off without letting go of Luke's eyes. Luke hears Calum roll his eyes and step back, muttering something under his breath, but Luke feels like this is the make-or-break moment for some strange, stupid reason, and Michael's eyes flick down to Luke's lips for a short second and Luke thinks 'oh'.

 

Because Jesus Christ, he's an idiot.

 

"What?" Michael murmurs, and Luke must have said that out loud and Luke would be beating himself up for that but he's too busy grabbing Michael and making out with him and okay, it definitely wasn't the most romantic thing and neither of them smell all that great at the moment, but he can feel Michael smiling against Luke's lips and that's all Luke really needs.

 

He pulls back and looks up at Michael.

 

"You are an idiot," is what Michael immediately says afterward, and Luke punches his shoulder.

 

"Like you were any better," Luke points out.

 

(The sex that they have later is really the best Luke's ever had. Just for the record.)

 

 


End file.
